Scene: Flat 1, Church House, Stallford, Surrey, the present day…
LUCY: Hey, have you seen this?
LUCY: That Sheppard bloke’s only gone and written another book about us.
LUCY: Steve Sheppard, you know.
DAWSON: Never heard of him.
LUCY: Yes you have. Wrote about the Australian diamonds and the Teapot without asking permission. Well, he’s been at it again.
DAWSON: Oh yes, I remember. How’s the court case on that going?
LUCY: Not well. His book’s still on sale all over the place. I don’t think our solicitors are very effective.
DAWSON: Well, I had my doubts about Cheetham, Fleece & Careless right from the start.
LUCY: Mind you, not many people have read it so I guess they must be doing something right.
DAWSON: What’s this new one about? Be nice to know what we’ve been up to.
LUCY: Er, let’s see. Doesn’t give much away. Seems to be a lot of floating about in boats. That’s good. I like boats. Once took the wheel of a cruiser on the Norfolk Broads. Didn’t end well though.
DAWSON: Why’s that?
LUCY: I was only 10. Somebody may have sunk. There was a lot of swearing as I recall.
DAWSON: Bit young to swear, weren’t you?
LUCY: Not me, idiot.
DAWSON: Not too keen on boats, myself. I get seasick easily. I was once sick on a cross-channel ferry.
LUCY: Well, the channel can be quite rough.
DAWSON: We were still in Portsmouth harbour. What else is this Sheppard bloke claiming we’ve done? And where?
LUCY: We seem to have gone to the Baltic, Estonia mainly.
DAWSON: What, just us?
LUCY: No, look, apparently Elaine turns up again.
DAWSON: Remind me.
LUCY: Don’t be thick. The Aussie policewoman.
DAWSON: Estonia’s a bit off her patch, isn’t it? Anyone else I know?
LUCY: Oh, yes. Elbow’s back too.
DAWSON: What, Valentin Prokofiev? But I shot him.
LUCY: You obviously didn’t shoot him well enough. There’s something here about some twins too. They sound quite dangerous and there’s a hint you run off with one of them.
DAWSON: Male or female?
LUCY: For your sake, you’d better hope it’s male.
DAWSON: Not sure an “it” can be male. Wouldn’t that be a “he”?
LUCY: Anyway, there’s not much else. Something about rivers, blah, blah… doesn’t say how it ends up.
DAWSON: As long as we survive.
LUCY: Well, we’re still here so I guess we do.
DAWSON: That makes sense. I hope it’s as much fun as the Teapot caper.
LUCY: Fun? That’s not what you called it at the time.
DAWSON: True. Does it have a name, this new book?
LUCY: Bored to Death in the Baltics.
DAWSON: Bored doesn’t sound very exciting. And I’m not sure I like the sound of the Death bit either. When’s it out?
LUCY: September. It probably isn’t us who are bored. And we’ve already established we can’t end up dead because we’re still here.
DAWSON: Hmm, I’m not convinced. Books can be very funny things.
LUCY: Well, A Very Important Teapot certainly was, so here’s hoping, eh?