Dawson and Lucy in Conversation

Scene: Flat 1, Church House, Stallford, Surrey, the present day…

LUCY:             Hey, have you seen this?

DAWSON:       What?

LUCY:             That Sheppard bloke’s only gone and written another book about us.

DAWSON:       Who?

LUCY:             Steve Sheppard, you know.

DAWSON:       Never heard of him.

LUCY:             Yes you have. Wrote about the Australian diamonds and the Teapot without asking  permission. Well, he’s been at it again.

DAWSON:       Oh yes, I remember. How’s the court case on that going?

LUCY:             Not well. His book’s still on sale all over the place. I don’t think our solicitors are very effective.

DAWSON:      Well, I had my doubts about Cheetham, Fleece & Careless right from the start.

LUCY:             Mind you, not many people have read it so I guess they must be doing something right.

DAWSON:       What’s this new one about? Be nice to know what we’ve been up to.

LUCY:             Er, let’s see. Doesn’t give much away. Seems to be a lot of floating about in boats. That’s good. I like boats. Once took the wheel of a cruiser on the Norfolk Broads. Didn’t end well though.

DAWSON:       Why’s that?

LUCY:             I was only 10. Somebody may have sunk. There was a lot of swearing as I recall.

DAWSON:       Bit young to swear, weren’t you?

LUCY:             Not me, idiot.

DAWSON:       Not too keen on boats, myself. I get seasick easily. I was once sick on a cross-channel  ferry.

LUCY:             Well, the channel can be quite rough.

DAWSON:       We were still in Portsmouth harbour. What else is this Sheppard bloke claiming we’ve done?  And where?

LUCY:             We seem to have gone to the Baltic, Estonia mainly.

DAWSON:       What, just us?

LUCY:             No, look, apparently Elaine turns up again.

DAWSON:       Remind me.

LUCY:             Don’t be thick. The Aussie policewoman.

DAWSON:       Estonia’s a bit off her patch, isn’t it? Anyone else I know?

LUCY:             Oh, yes. Elbow’s back too.

DAWSON:       What, Valentin Prokofiev? But I shot him.

LUCY:             You obviously didn’t shoot him well enough.  There’s something here about some twins too. They sound quite dangerous and there’s a hint you run off with one of them.

DAWSON:       Male or female?

LUCY:             For your sake, you’d better hope it’s male.

DAWSON:       Not sure an “it” can be male. Wouldn’t that be a “he”?

LUCY:             Anyway, there’s not much else. Something about rivers, blah, blah… doesn’t say how it ends up.

DAWSON:       As long as we survive.

LUCY:             Well, we’re still here so I guess we do.

DAWSON:       That makes sense. I hope it’s as much fun as the Teapot caper.

LUCY:             Fun? That’s not what you called it at the time.

DAWSON:       True. Does it have a name, this new book?

LUCY:             Bored to Death in the Baltics.

DAWSON:       Bored doesn’t sound very exciting. And I’m not sure I like the sound of the Death bit either. When’s it out?

LUCY:             September. It probably isn’t us who are bored. And we’ve already established we can’t end up dead because we’re still here.

DAWSON:       Hmm, I’m not convinced. Books can be very funny things.

LUCY:             Well, A Very Important Teapot certainly was, so here’s hoping, eh?